||[ 061905 ]
I ordered a green mini Ipod yesterday So I can't wait till it comes in the mail.
I have 129 songs on iTunes so far. And I told Shannon that we could use together cause I know she really wants one too.
Well I have my english and history final tomorrow.
I haven't studied yet. I've been sick all weekend with step. ehh yuk my tonsils are grey, white and red. Its so nasty. I dont think the medicine is working because its just getting worse. I had a fever last night.
Even though I had to sit inside the entire weekend, I still am pretty happy and have good spirts.
So this week after finals . . I want to hang out with Shannon at least one day. And one of the days, We are going on a double date together at some pizza place.
I also want to hang out with Mel, Leah, Steve and Allison.
Next weekend Liz and I are seeing Mr. and Mrs. Smith and she might stay the night.
And her and I are trying to start a lotion line called "Orgasim in a Bottle." I want to have an awesome summer so hey why not try to start something like that.
Sara and I have to 'steel' more vans this summer and go driving around. And go streaking in the baseball field.
I can't wait till Steve get's his licence because he lives like 1/2 mile away so he can drive me to school next year till i get mine and we can hang out this summer and pick up Mel and other people.
Shannon and I are making a list of crazy shit we are going to do this summer.
Like camping, going to Six Flags(my 1st time), skinny dipping(in the dark)& maybe with other people, and i dont know what else but we'll figure it out.
Ohh and I definatly want to play some DDR with Krista.
IM HAVING A BONFIRE!! Yeah all my friends are invited. I want to have it at the beach But ill probably end up having it at my house or a friend and I will have it at thiers.
OHHhhh And Matt offfed to take my down to New Jersey with him so I can get my belly botton pierced after he get's his licence in august or september...since NJ is the one of the only states where you have to be 16.
mmmmMMmmMMMMmmm AND after I save up some more cash then im going to get a dog from the dog shelter.
I'm also working 3 full days every week this summer But im still going to make sure I have time for the fun stuff.
And im wicked excited for next april because it sounds like Shannon and I are going to Cancun with my aunt. She's real fun and already has paid for the hotel because she has a timeshare there.
What is your favorite song this minute??
||[ 061605 ]
within me, i can't find my way
Should I try to go on like I never knew you?
I'm awake but nothing in my world feels real
I prey for this heart to be unbroken
But without you all I am is incomplete
Voices tell me I should carry on
But my heart wants to stay with you till you're gone
How could you one day get up and leave?
And as I sit here . .
make me wonder after everything, If you still care
You told me you loved me
But after all these lonely nights, I question if it was real
It hurts to know you lied and said you just needed some space
Now it's like you don't want to have anything to do with me
Have you forgotten who you fell in love with?
Because I've been here all along
If it's true though that you don't want me to be a part of your heart
then I'll have to learn to let go
I can promise you one thing . .
You won't find anyone else like me
And if you think by not caring, I'm gone
Well your wrong
One day the love you had for me will bite you in your heart
. .all the pain and emptiness you left me with
But it will be too late.
||[ 061605 ]
I prey that this heart will be unbroken . . .
But without you all I am is incomplete.
||[ 061305 ]
so here I am.
heavy empty hearted.
lost and confused.
I have realized there is more to life than you
But still, nothing feels real.
It's all so painful.
Couldn't tell you what hurts worse.
I'm scared I'll never feel again.
I guess all it was to you
was a summer love that lasted longer than you thought.
But unfortunetly for me
you weren't just any boy.
I gave you my entire heart.
And now you'll have it till you die.
So you didn't love me enough to look beyond my flaws.
It hurts so much to know I wasn't good enough.
But the only thing that keeps me sain
is to know you're happy.
Even if that's without me.
I don't want another man to share my heart with you.
But I guess you'll never understand this
Cause obviously I wasn't such a lose for you.
Maybe you will be lucky
and never have to feel the way I feel.
But don't think for a second im some weak girl that you'd rather not bother with.
Take a second glace.
I'm still here aren't I?
I'm broken hearted.
My heart has been smashed and torn into a million pieces.
But im working on put it back together.
It takes time
and it's no rush.
I wonder though . .
10-20 years from now,
will you forget all the good times we had together?
The reasons why you fell in love with me?
And only remember the reasons why you broke up with me?
I will not lie,
I miss everything.
. .The feeling of sensability and how comfertable I felt when being with you.
. .The smile you put across my face.
. .The way you looked into my eyes.
. .How you kissed my lips.
. .The way you would hold me like you would'nt let go.
. .knowing that how much you cared for me.
. .you're impacience.
. .you're brilliance.
. .Our laughter.
Just do something for me.
Close your eyes.
Think of me.
What do you see?
When I close mine,
I see you smiling.
if you would give me a second glace.
If you would see that this 'brake' has changed me.
If I have realized anything.
And if you would see me in a brighter light . .
see the girl that you fell in love with.
Because I've always been here.
||[ 061005 ]
i am in a better place.
I think i have found myself. I cant explain it.
my heart understand my brain and vise versa.
im going to be ok.
no matter the outcome.
I have found that I can find other things that make me happy when im not with Eric.
Although the feeling I have when Im with him is quite different, I still have found that ill make it.
Im not worried and its going to stay like this.
I wont forget how it feels.
I honestly dont know if Eric and I have a future together. Im too young to figure it out.
I love being happy in the moment and trying not to worry about anything else.
I really hope and prey each night that he wants me back But i know if he decides im not the one he wants to be with. . Ill be ok.
You know, in the end.
I dont care anymore about worrying about 'oh if i will like who I have become 10-20-30 years from now.'
I wont if i keep thinking about it because ill miss out on too much.
||[ 060805 ]
In the past week i have realized how lucky i really am to have the friends I do.
Im so thankful for the one's that have been there for me this past week.
I would not be where I am right now if it wasnt for you.
I have realized im a lot stronger inside than I give myself credit for.
I have also realized that i became way too attached to Eric.
Im trying to take day by day and not looking too far into my future.
I want to for once, look at the moment I am and truely enjoy it.
I think im a really kind considerate person and everyone has flaws and I need to stop worrying about becoming this reponsible . .blah blah blah adult in a year.
I want to always enjoy life at any age.
Im just going to try to go with the flow and grow into the person I become.
Im sure if I can make it through this . .and I can . .that I can make it through anything.
I really hope that he wants me to be his girlfriend again someday But if he doesn't then I will learn to move on and accept it.
Im starting to think that this break could bring us closer in the end or just make our relationship better Or we will realize that its not the right thing.
I really have to understand and take in that I have to give him space and stop thinking of a future for us. If its meant to be, it will happen.
I hope during this break he also takes time to learn some things about himself.
I have sat down and thought this through.
I have flaws and things he isnt going to like about me.
And he has flaws as well and things i dont like about him.
Even for married couples i know that this is true But sometimes there are certain flaws that dont work well in a relationship and that each one has to work on.
But im completely done thinking about it.
Im just going to take a breather for a while.
||[ 060605 ]
( so you thought you knew me?Collapse )
Today I accomplished:
-eating for the first time in 3 days. Some breakfast and a little lunch
-went to school
-Got a 90 and 96 on a spanish test and quiz.
-volunteered to be in a short play for science class
-haven't cried about Eric
-gave Shannon, Leah, Mel, and Jayne a hug.
Ok. Well i think im happy with that.
Tomorrow im going over Allison's after school. She is so nice and is going to help me get my school work done. And then we are going to have a good time.♥
Wednesday is Shannon's 16th!! Im going in early to decorate her locker and the school. Then im working.
Thursday Im going over Allison's again!
Friday I need to figure out something im going to do.
Someone want to do something??
*sadly I still can't listen to any music. I hope I am able to get over it soon.
My AIM is still broken :/
I really hope he misses me just even a little and does still think about all the good times we shared and that someday in the near future he realizes he needs me and how much he does love me.
||[ 060505 ]
was worse than yesterday.
But there's always tomorrow.
the only thing thats keeping me from going insain at the present moment is being as possitive as I can.
He has 2 more hours to call.
He never even calls that late.
I'll try my best not to take it personally, But i think it will be close to impossible not to.
I need a study buddy this week.
I really need to focus on my school work and it seems impossible to focus on anything right now.
||[ 060405 ]
everything reminds me of him. EVERYTHING. i feel out of control. Like when your completely wasted and if you didnt have those friends there with you, then your not sure if you would still be here.
Even when i highlight something with the mouse . .and the background of the font becomes blue. It makes me cry more because its eric's favorite color.
All the memories just wont come out of my head. I cant control my brain and my heart. myself at all.
please I ask again if theres anyone I can go to church with tomorrow.
||[ 060405 ]
It's not him is it??
I'm emotioinally rely on him too much where it has freaked him out. I'm sure he doesn't know what to do but get away. And i hate myself for this. Why couldn't I just kept it all to myself. It's better than sitting here crying and feeling lonely, worthless, drained, sick, helpless, scared. I feel horrible for calling Shannon and Mel so much. It's just that I'm scared and feel so empty and I can't deal with the fact that we are just 'friends' right now.
Its not even friends because he needs his space and i cant talk to him or see him till he's ready. But i dont know how much more pain I can take. I feel I cant go through this alone. I can't even sit here and concentrate on watching the kids. God why do i deserve to feel like this?
Im grounded too. its my fault but I cant go out for my birthday and i have to stay inside for 1 week without anything.
Please. i tried prayer every night since thurday and this morning for some kind of releaf or just for Eric to call and tell me that he needs me or that things will get better. I just need to hear his voice. I cant believe after all we've been through . .that it was so perfect and then came to this. But it doesnt matter really if im happy or not. I just want him to be happy wherever that is.
But i need him. I feel like a fish out of water. I was doing ok. I was being a lot stronger than I thought but now i feel like i have fallen apart and no ones here.
Please god, someone . . he completes me please let him need me too and call me soon. please. ill never ask for another thing as long as I live.
||[ 060205 ]
Feel Free to add to it. Please.
1. acdc- hells bells
2. acdc- back in black
3. bruce springstein- we built this city on rock n roll
4. madona- like a prayer
5. guns n' roses- welcome to the jungle
6. guns n' roses- paradice city
7. nirvana- lithium
8. jimi hendrix- all along the watch tower
9. sir mix a lot- baby got back
10. sixpence none the richer- kiss me
11. fuel- falls on me
12. backstreet boys- incomplete
13. christina aguilara- walk away
14. coldplay- the scientist
15. red hot chili peppers- by the way
16. seal- kiss from a rose
17. seal- love's devine
18. five for fighting- 100 years to live
19. bob marley- jamin
20. denison witmer- steven
21. denison witmer- the 80s
22. howie day- colide
23. gavin degraw- charriot
24. something corporate- forget december
25. something corporate- i want to save you
26. something corporate- konstantine
27. lindsay lohan- symptons of you
28. the surface- orchastra
29. lifehouse- you and me
30. ludacris- number one spot
31. Jay-z- 99 problems
32. Ashanti- only you
33. ludacris ft. lil jon- crazytown
34. gwen stefani- holla back girl
35. ludacris ft. sum 41- get back
36. 50 cent ft. the game- hate it or love it
37. ciara ft. ludacris- oh
38. ciara- 1,2 step
39. usher ft. ludacris & lil jon- yeah
40. billi holiday- i'll be seeing you
41. louis armstrong- what a wonderful world
42. john lennon- love
43. the flaming lips- do you realize
44. britney spears- toxic
45. something corporate- punk rock princess
46. hilary duff- weird
47. the all american rejects- swing swing
48. papa roach- scars
49. sum 41- pieces
50. lusta- scotty doesn't know
51. linkin park & jay-z- numb vs. encore
52. linkin park & jay-z- lying from you vs. dirt off your sholders
53. linkin park & jay-z- papercut vs. big pimpin
54. linkin park & jay-z- points of authority vs. 99 problems
55. the early november- sunday drive
56. head automatica- beating heart baby
57. jt experience- party like a rockstar
58. dht- listen to your heart
59. my chemical romance- i'm not ok
60. nina gordon- tonight and the rest of my life
61. the postal service- such great heights
62. norah jones- come away with me
63. senses fail- bloody romance
||[ 053005 ]
Why is it we listen to sad music when we are sad?
Why do i have trouble sleeping at night and wake up so early in the morning and never fall back asleep . . but then im so tired all day long?
Why do I keep feeling so sick and can't eat?
Why don't I know whats really bothering me?
Why does my stomach hurt so much and i dont stop feeling like im going to throw-up?
Why can't I enjoy things like I use to?
Why does my heart hurt deep inside But i can still feel his love for me and the love ill always have for him?
Why can't I keep still?
Why are my feet and hands so clamy?
Why am I so scared and anxious?
Why am I not excited about my birthday?
Why is it him that i feel i need so much and no one else?
Why am i so sad?
Why can't I just make it all go away?
Why can't i smile whenever I want to and mean it?
Why won't he call??
What is happening to me?
Why can't i look at myself?
||[ 052905 ]
the past 3 or 4 days have to so unbelievably hard.
Although im happy yo say I haven't given up.
Im tarrified though.
I can't do it alone.
I need him here more than anything in the world. Just to hold me and not look at me like im pathetic.
If he only knew how sorry I am that I have been like this.
I wish I knew if he really wants to be here with me or not.
I would never ask him for another thing as long as I lived, than just to be here for me when there is no one else that can really make me feel better.
I feel like im falling apart But his love is the only thing that keeps me from loosing grip. And sometimes my friends really help me too. I hope they know how much it means to me that they listen too all my shit and try to be there.
Im so lost.
i dont know what to say to him.
I love him so much. no matter what.
||[ 052505 ]
So im scared that Im getting old. Only one more year I can get off being a child.
So I want to take full advantage of it.
Eric has been asking me what I want for my birthday. Sadly, I have no clue.
I would love to do one or two of these things.
I want 17 to be the best year yet.
Here is all I want to do, Other than becoming mroe reponsible, respectful, independent and a mature young lady that still likes to have fun.
1. skip a day of school with a good friend and have a shitload of fun!!
2. go to Canada!
3. drive across the boarder and buy a shitload of fire works, crackers etc & have a blast with them!!!!
4. fly a kite.
5. Go puddle jumping
6. kiss in the rain!!!!
7. watch the sunset with someone special.
8. mud restle!!!
9. MAKE A BONFIRE ON THE BEACH!!!!
10. road trip!
11. trade clothes with a guy.
12. sit on a roof top.
13. learn to dance!!
14. do a cartwheel.
15. Go streaking!!!!!
16. GO SKINNY DIPPING!!!!!!!!!!
17. catch a fish & eat it!!
18. Go to Six Flags!!!!
19. Steal someone's car that I know and pick up friends & drive wherever we want!!!
20. go salt water fishing!!
21. sing karaoke.
22. go camping with friends or someone special!!!!
23. run barefoot on the beach at night under the stars with someone special!!!!!!
24. sleep on the beach!!!!!
25. Go back to Masquamakit!!!!!!!!!!!
I want to do a lot of these things this summer.
and whenever im with someone and we are bored, I will refer to this list.
I can't do any of this alone!!
so come and join me.
SUMMER 05!! YES!
p.s.FEEL COMPLETELY FREE TO ADD TO MY LIST. THE MORE THE BETTER!!
What You Really Think Of Your Friends
Leah is your soulmate.
|You truly love Eric.|
|You consider Jayne your true friend.|
|You know that Shannon is always thinking of you.|
|You'll remember Allison for the rest of your life.|
|You secretly think Sara is creative, charming, and a bit too dramatic at times.|
|You secretly think that Melanie is colorful, impulsive, and a total risk taker.|
|You secretly think that Kelly is loyal and trustworthy to you. And that Kelly changes lovers faster than underwear.|
|You secretly think Krista is shy and nonconfrontational. And that Krista has a hidden internet romance.|
||[ 052405 ]
Tomorrow is going to but a big day for me.
Id rather not talk about why because its too personal Butim thinking pretty possitive about it.
I know it could come out being probably the worst thing that could happen to me But it was my doing and I want to be able to look let go of that part of my past.
I think Jayne is coming with me. Jayne it means the most to me. really. You dont understand.
I couldnt go alone.
Well yesterday was a better day for me and today was even better.
I want to learn to take each day as it comes and stop thinking so much about my future. I want to live in the present. I miss out on too much sometimes. I want to just have fun with life.
Ahh its a week and a half about till my birthday.
I want to stay a kid and be able to hole onto a childhood for at least 5 more years But I cant wait to drive and get my ass out of this house. Wish I could do both.
eh, you know ill try to find a medium.
a child at heart But mature and independant enough to carry myself as a young lady. .thats my goal.
17. I feel hardly 16.
Where have i gone?
I have so much to learn within the next year.
I have such an expentation of myself at 18.
Thursday I have tennis practice And then im going over Mel's. I think Leah is going to be there too :)
Oh and tomorrow is also 11 Months for Eric and I. I love you Eric.
||[ 052205 ]
I want someone to pick me up and take me somewhere far away and help me get better.
I can't stop thinking about wanting to die.
i can't control my breathing. I couldnt even tell you if im having a panic attack or not.
My heart hurts But im I know its cause im so depressed.
I take back wanting someone to save me because Im just being completely selfish.
But should i have to live like this?
I guess so cause its no one's fault but my own.
Every minute is going by so slow. I cant take it.
I don't feel like doing anything. Not even drawing or something like that.
At this pace, I feel like I won't even make it through the day.
||[ 052205 ]
I have been crying for an hour 1/2.
I wish it would stop.
im so sad.
But i feel bad to bother anyone.
Im almost possitive I anoy Eric and he doesnt really care much. .so in a way it just makes me feel worse.
I tried to write in a diary this morning But it made me feel worse.
I feel like I can't talk to anyone cause I just bother them and they pretend they care.
Eric tells me to find something to do Instead of sitting here But the only thing that makes me feel better is not being here and being with him or someone that seems to care.
But my mom won't let me out today cause she just says she wants me to stay inside.
I can feel myself getting worse each day.
I keep feeling like I should die.
A part of me wants to hide in a courner and sit there till i rot away But then I stop myself from actually attemping to kill me cause I know id hurt other people.
He tells me not to blame being so depressed on my mom or anyone else
And I know he's right so I can't help but to blame it on myself.
I want to call Shannon because sometimes It seems like she really listens and she tries to understand.
But I don't want to bother her or ruin her day.
So even though it seems impossible to suck all this in And when i try, my heart just feels more pain.
I will sit here and shut up and tell myself ill be ok.
I dont know whats going on. I wish I knew why im feeling this way.
Im sorry im so senative lately And that I take everything so litterally.
Im sorry if you dont have much fun with me anyone.
I wish I could change all of it.
But I dont know who I am. If this is myself.
I dont remember much of if I ever was.
I pitch myself to hope I wake up.
But I can't even feel it.